I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize