I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
