EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
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