I can't watch pbs sober anymore
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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