i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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