Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Randomize