My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
