TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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