The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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