how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Sext me about skeletons
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
