if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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