Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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