I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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