i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
