This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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