Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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