New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Randomize
