I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize