im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
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