You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Dignity is for republicans.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
