I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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