the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
