Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
