god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize