i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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