i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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