your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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