also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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