Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
