So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Randomize
