Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
