then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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