My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
