So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
