Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
