I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
