The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
