I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
