I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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