So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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