I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize