you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
