I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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