areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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