It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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