i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
