I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
