I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
