either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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