well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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