My liver just broke up with me...
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Holy sore nipples Batman
I need to calm my uterus...
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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