oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Houston, we have a blender
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
