I faked an abortion last night.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
