I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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