I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Randomize
