If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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