Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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