Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
