u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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