Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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