also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
