He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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