i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize