Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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