I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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